As for all families, the beginning of the school year presents many uncertainties. Families formed by adoption face additional challenges. One of the first issues they struggle with is whether they should talk with their child’s teacher about his adoption. If so, how much of that story should be shared? As Lois Melina, adopted parent and expert in the field of adoption states in Adopted Child, “Some parents worry that, by raising the issue of adoption, they are giving the teacher the impression that adoption is a serious problem, when, what they really want is for the teacher to be more alert to the subtle ways adoption may be a factor in certain situations.” Risa Werner, LCSW, and Susan Baron, LCSW, founders of Touched By Adoption, a counseling, education and support service, offer the following suggestions for paving the way for a smooth school year.
As Werner states, “It is crucial for the teachers and parents to work as a team. Although adoptive families want to keep the details of their child’s adoption private, it is important for parents to advocate for their child. Sharing appropriate information can make a positive impact on your child’s school year.” As you would for any child who has unique needs, schedule a parent-teacher conference in the fall. Focus on discussing your child’s needs and reviewing any potentially problematic assignments. Time and again children are faced with outwardly benign projects which include writing autobiographies, creating family trees and family histories and sharing baby pictures. These require adopted children to come up with information which they might not know, is incomplete or painfully different from their classmates. Once the teacher identifies the educational purpose of the assignment, parents and teachers can work together to provide options which will not be traumatic for the child to accomplish.
Parents cannot assume that the school staff has acquired expertise in adoption. It is important for them to act as a resource for teachers, guidance counselors and social workers. Children in kindergarten through 2nd grade are often comfortable having their parents do a presentation in their classroom. For children in the upper grades, making the staff aware of adoption sensitive language as well as developmental issues which are specific to adopted children is crucial. As Lois Melina states in Adopted Child, “Children between the ages of 7 to 11 have the cognitive ability to realize that they have lost significant people in their lives….This leads them to grieve for that loss – a loss that happened years ago may be unexpected, but it is normal and necessary. It is not in any way a sign that children are unhappy in their adoptive families.” Educating teachers about this can help them develop a clearer understanding of what is happening in your child’s internal world which might be impacting their performance in school.
Often adopted children will be confronted with comments and situations which are hurtful. For example, a classmate might innocently inquire, “Why didn’t your real mom keep you?” As they mature, children become protective of their parents and might be reluctant to share this with them. Over time, these situations may impact their school work. There might be a noticeable change in their mood; they might become inattentive or negative. Both teachers and parents need to be aware of these changes and work together to enable the child to problem solve around various situations. As Baron notes, “It is important to help both parents and children build muscles so they can cope with difficult situations that life presents to them.”
Published in the Minute Man Newspapers